Hits

It hits. It is when all your muscles clench and you cannot explain why. I am uneasy and scared of what is unknown. I am afraid and terrified that they might be right. The ghosts of my previous failures that I thought were silenced long ago. It is getting harder to ignore them and keep going. It feels like losing hope in something you never thought you’d lose hope in. It is like when the saturation fades to black and white and you are trying to figure out when you let it happen. It feels like every step forward means taking two steps back. It is like losing faith when it is all you have ever had. It feels like losing when you did everything you needed to win. In the abyss of these thoughts racing through my mind it seems easier to give up. But I tell myself it is a lie, I tell myself it will be worth it. But as the clock ticks and my fears tick louder I need someone else to convince me of this.

I know that this is different from all my other posts. However, I wanted to be sincere with my writing and though it is much harder to be vulnerable in my writing, it is the season I am in at the moment. Writing has always been my therapy and means of healing and by writing this I feel a relief. Not all days are as great as we want them to be and I wanted you to know that. I wanted you to know that if you are feeling this, you are not alone. We will get through it together. We cannot freeze and we have to keep running, walking, whatever to move forward, even when the road gets more narrow and steep. We have to hold on to something and believe in it even when the doubts start to creep. We have to let that move us all the more. I have been shut down by these fears before. But this time, I want to know what happens if I ignore them and I am just too curious to stop.